Eric and I take slightly sadistic pleasure in finding dubious videos to run past Phil. If one of the tapes pushes the limits of one the D.A.’s named forbidden acts, if anything falls into anything resembling a gray area, we refer the matter directly to Phil and make him make a judgment call.Eric’s recent case (I leave it to you to imagine the hand gestures accompanying this recitation): “So I’m watching this tape, and there’s this woman who’s fifty years old if she’s a day. And she’s talking to her friend, and she tells her about this time when she was twelve years old. So we get the wavy lines and the ‘doodle’ noises that say ‘flashback’, and there’s this fifty year old woman in the bathtub, only now she’s got pigtails so we know she’s supposed to be twelve years old, even though she really looks like Baby Jane. And while she’s having her bath, her UNCLE comes into the bathroom. He’s embarrassed and tries to leave, but she stands up in the bath and says, ‘Uncle! Uncle! Look what I can do!’ And she reaches down and grabs one of her pussy lips and pulls it down to her KNEE, then she grabs her OTHER pussy lip and pulls it down to her OTHER knee. Then she ties them in a KNOT!!!! She ties them in a knot, lets go of it, and the whole thing just kind of … snaps back up into place while staying tied in a knot. And I’m thinking, ‘Man, for a twelve-year-old, she’s awfully used up!’
“But Uncle thinks it’s the hottest thing ever, so he jumps in the tub and fucks her brains out.
“So what do we do with this one. It’s technically incest with a minor, two great tastes that taste great together. But it’s so completely ridiculous that no one in their right mind would ever take it seriously.”
Phil’s judgment: "The D.A.’s list explicitly mentions adults portraying minors, and this qualifies as that, so pull it. We’d get arrested for that.”
My case: So there is this classic 70’s porn movie, “The Opening of Misty Beethoven”. It’s “Pygmalion” set to porn. Literally. There’s this young, common streetwalker who meets this sex scientist who makes a bet that he can turn her into a high class hooker who sends men into fits of passion. And it’s got surprisingly decent production values. Compared to some of our tapes that seem to have been made in suburban basements, this looks like a Hollywood blockbuster. This is the only tape I’ve come close to enjoying. But there’s one scene that I feel obliged to run past Phil.
“So, Phil, there’s this scene, it’s the equivalent of the Embassy Ball in Pygmalion, her big test. And in the middle of the scene, she pulls out a strap-on, straps it on, and then she penetrates the man. Up the ass. Now, we have determined that it's okay for a man to penetrate a woman anally and that it's not okay for a man to penetrate another man anally, but this is the first case I’ve run across where a woman penetrates a man. [Ed: Look it up on Wikipedia if you doubt me.] Since his masculinity is impugned, what do we do with this one? What does this count as?”
Phil’s judgment: “Pull it. We don’t want to risk it.”
Okay, I admit it. There are some fun aspects to this.
